Maybes On A Monday Morning

I have no idea what to write.  This is a first.  Usually, I can sit down and wrestle 500 words out of some lark of an idea.  This morning, I have nothing.  I don’t know why.  I had a good weekend, with good friends in a place that I love.  Yet, here I am stumped.

Maybe it is that after this weekend I see things differently.  This is what happens when I get out of town for a few days.  I get to see the world and more specifically my life with a different perspective.  Right now, that is really important as I am trying to transition to something and probably somewhere else.

Soon, this will not be my only significant writing during the day.  Besides other blog posts, I am going to participate in Camp NANOWRIMO during the month of April.  This is one of two “camps” the National Novel Writing Month holds.  National Novel Writing Month is November, but I am going to make an early go at writing 50,000 words in the month of April.  That is around 1,600 words a day.  I don’t know when I’m going to sleep, but I feel this is going to be an important step for me in many ways.

I also took the time this weekend to think about where I want to work and where I want to live.  I plan to transition away from my current employer this year and probably also move to a new (or maybe old) city.  City being the operative word.

Maybe my inability to write something scathing about the NCAA is caused by my reintegration into my normal life and routine after a weekend away.  Maybe it is caused by being lost and disappointed by a recent employment opportunity falling through.  Maybe, I just feel crappy on a Monday morning.

Maybe this weekend showed me I’m living someone else’s life.  This one only occasionally feels like mine.  Those occasions usually involve sitting here in front of this computer writing.

My screensaver says, “I may die today.”  It comes from reading Zen philosophy and the idea that you should live your life as if you may die at any moment.  You should make sure that if you were to die today that you left a life worth leaving behind with few regrets and fewer people to hate you.

For a long time I lived life as if the road went on forever, but as the years have added up and the chances started to dwindle I noticed that I was not content (happy is momentary, content is a more permanent state).  So, I started reading and writing every day, to prepare for something.  I try to write about the things I care about and why I care about them.  It is hard to do that when your full-time job isn’t one that asks you to use the actually skills you have and in some ways asks you not to use them just so you can get through the day.

The funny thing is, some people I work with may read this and not take that last sentence too well.  I’ve learned you can’t worry about that too much.  One of the things you have to learn in life is how to balance your happiness with that of others.  My happiness lies in this, the writing, the expressing of thoughts and ideas.

Maybe things will change quickly.  Maybe they won’t, but one way or another, things in my life will change.


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