How some of your family is like your favorite dysfunctional sports franchise

Just in time for he holiday season a list of four members of your family and how they are like your favorite dysfunctional sports franchise.

The younger cousin who has had six jobs in five years

He is searching for the right job that will make his life infinitely better the moment he gets it.  It’s out there.  It has to be out there.  All he has to do is keep getting new jobs until he finds it.  This is the team that is forever hiring coaches, forever firing coaches, and forever losing games.  University of Tennessee fans having been living this for a while with Butch Jones becoming the next contestant.

This is probably the only category that also doubles for individual coaches because it is an occupation filled with the peripatetic vagabonds like Tommy Tuberville and Bobby Petrino who love wherever they are as long as there are no open or potentially open jobs within ear shot.

Your uncle’s trophy wife

She is the second wife for your businessman uncle.  He has been very successful and upgraded his spouse as he has approached retirement.  This significantly younger lady loves everything about your uncle, especially his bank account.  They always host either Thanksgiving or Christmas so she can show off all the new furniture, art, and other sundry way too expensive knick knacks and baubles.  The place looks like a bad pawn shop with so much crap.

This is the owner who runs their franchise  as if it were a fantasy team.  They buy and sell and trade players so that they get all the big names.  Then they have their handpicked coach throw them out on the field and expect all that money to win them games.  If fans are lucky, these teams eventually buy enough talent to overcome any lack of chemistry or coaching talent.  Prime examples currently are the Washington Redskins (until this season), the Dallas Cowboys, and Chelsea.

Your single aunt with her marriage plan

She and the same guy have been dating for the last five years and every year she tells your mother that this is the year he is going to pop the question, and every year he doesn’t.  Don’t worry, however, she has a plan and he is the centerpiece.  No matter how disappointing he is, she stays with him because he is exciting.  He takes her to all these great places and shows her all these great things, but he is never going to commit.  This, in NFL circles, is called Norving.

This is in honor of Norv Turner and the perpetually disappointing San Diego Chargers.  Having a coach like Norv means you will be 9-6 or 8-8 every year.  In other words, just good enough to keep fans enticed and on the hook.  Maybe you got to one championship game and you just barely lost giving fans even more illusory hope.  The team is never going to get better because he is too busy drawing up intricate offenses to concentrate on getting his players to block, tackle, throw, and catch.

The older brother who is finally sober

He has been out of rehab for 6 months and has finally started to see his life turn for the better.  He has a job and he has a path he trusts and follows.  It has not been easy and he has not gotten completely over the hump, but he has made it this far and he knows he can do it now.  He keeps his head down and keeps working towards staying sober so can be alive in ten years.

This is the team that finally accepted rock bottom, cleaned house, hired front office people and coaches with a good back to basics plan.  They have decided who and what the team will be and they will stick to finding players and coaches who can fulfill that mission.  They are not trying to impress anyone with their offensive acumen, they are just trying to build a franchise that will last and always compete.  This year’s examples are the Indianapolis Colts, Washington Redskins, and Charlotte Bobcats.


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